These days we are reminded that we are
the haunted, not the haunts, of this town.
Standing on doorsteps, calm as air before
a storm, we find ourselves caught in
warped questions and responsibilities.
Why were we here, with our eyes closed,
when rainclouds press the horizon? Were
we hoping to catch God's voice in the
rumbles of thunder, were we
hoping to catch ourselves
before it was too late?
Lethargy makes the world
tasteless for upcoming apathy,
whose lurking misery only
served me one purpose:
to keep me thin.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
What a poem that so deeply and profoundly explains the sordid state of the world this is.
Very discriptive. And I loved the imagery and the language.
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This line here reminds me of the summertime, where you don't have responsibilities and are allowed to relax for a time, when all of a sudden school comes up and slaps you in the face, and now you have homework for another 10 months. Sheer torture.
quote]
Why were we here, with our eyes closed,
when rainclouds press the horizon? Were
we hoping to catch God's voice in the
rumbles of thunder, were we
hoping to catch ourselves
before it was too late? [/quote]
Good describing of despair here. It shows how misleaded people are, and what some of us are truely hoping for.
I really adored the last lines of the poem. "Whose lurking misery..."
But you could capitalize tastless, whose, served, and to. Other than that, I don't see anything wrong with it.
Great discriptive skills, and good reserving of the atmosphere all through out. Bye.
DAMN MAN, i've never read any of your stuff before, but im gonna check it out after i write this. ok, so, like everyones been saying, the tence switch is a lil confusing, especially when your read over it when your aware of it
:P
:P
:D
:D
umm, the wording and presentation was very closly related to the imagry effects,and i thought that was bloody brilliant, just when i read it the first time in my head, i was like blown away by what this fromed in my head, the way you've set it has left lots of space for the readers imagination but is very dependant on your wording (especially stanza one)
and the third stanza had such a great 'flo' (lack of a better word)
all in all i really enjoyed it
with some work you could really, quiet seriously get somewhere with this
really looking forward to your future works
This was really great. I loved your theme, and you expressed yourself beautifully.The ending was really great. I'm not too sure about the last three lines of the first stanza, though. The layout just wasn't in accordance with the way in which I wanted to read it, which was as follows:
"These days we are reminded that we are
the haunted, not the haunts, of this town.
Standing on the doorstep, calm as air before a storm,
we find ourselves caught
In warped questions and responsibilities."
Though I realise that this looks a bit odd...alternatively, you could split line three just after the comma, but then again that may also look odd... Sorry, I just had to point this out, I'll leave it with you!
Overall, this was a really enjoyable read, and a very powerful piece.
This was very good. I love the description mostly. My favorite part:
Why were we here, with our eyes closed,
when rainclouds press the horizon?
The only thing I don't understand(though maybe because I'm not looking deep enough) is why the title is Three Black Fingers. Otherwise this was very nice.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
What can I say, I enjoyed it. The use of lower caps was good, methinks, and the line breaks really gave the piece a solid rythm (sp?). Overall, a good poem!
This was a wonderful poem!
Great rhyme. Wonderful meaning.
There are some tences in past and some in present, but it actually adds to the poem I think.
My overall impression of this poem is fantastic job!
Write on!
~ayman~
This is a nice piece.
The past threw me off too. You should just keep it in all in the same tense.
Now, I was thinking as I read this--is apathy the right word? Wouldn't a lethargic world already be apathetic? Thus, I would think that "empathy" would be what the world is tasteless for. Maybe I misinterpreted, but I think empathy is a better fit.
Happy writing to ya!
This seemed to be one of your more honest poems, and it worked nicely. It was pretty and all that jazz.
Use Cal's line breaks suggestion for the third one... that will be so much nicer.
Oh, wow, hon. I think this has become one of my favorites of yours. Especially -- These days we are reminded that we are / the haunted, not the haunts, of this town.
The only thing that threw me off was the use of past tense in the second stanza. More really the past tense and then using 'here'. But, I don't have any suggestions on how I would make it different.
I love the way the underlying impression/theme of the poem spirals out, how it is so very blunt and honest at the end.
Also, the feel of the poem fit the impression so well. This sort of slide into a sort of drowsiness, an almost stupor. It made me think of those Victorian girls and women who starved themselves because to be thin, to be anorexic was to be closer to God.
Another thing that caught me was the line breaks in the last stanza, they seemed odd. But maybe that was just the visual thing.
Perhaps:
Lethargy makes the world
tasteless for this upcoming apathy,
whose lurking misery only
served me one purpose:
to keep me thin.
Brava!
Ta,
Cal.
*Edit: I am also not so hot on 'this' in the second line of the last stanza.